#1, The Nature of Desire

So, I was thinking that people's utmost motivation for doing and being who and how they are is based off desire.
I was thinking that desire can be both logical and emotional, that desire fluctuates between these two facets of a person. So, i was thinking about what peoples utmost desire is, more than anything else. And while desire is often linked to sex, I'm thinkin there is more to it than just that.

now, even though i will continue to write the rest of my side of perspective as fact, i do not think in such absolutes. I could be wrong, and im willing to talk about it, n change my mind. I'm always open to new ideas and new conversation.


(clears throat, lights cig, makes a vodka highball) Ok, people's utmost desire, because we are a people of community and relationships, is to be engaged and appreciated for our unique perspective within those relationships. Our worst punishment is solitary confinement. We, however, relate to our desire to be with and around other mainly based off emotion, intuition, and human instinct. 


We find commonality with each other based off how we emotionally respond to one another. A lot of that is physical interaction, a smile, a wink, a high five, a scoffing look, a kiss, a look of pain, a look of pleasure, a blank un-engaged look, an attentive look.


 We find commonality with each other based off what each other says as well, what we know about each other. Do we like the same music, sports, political views, food, drinks, books, movies, religion, lack of religion? Within finding out about each other we develop a relationship with whoever we are engaging in conversation with. We satisfy our desire of knowledge, of knowing, of other people's perspective with similar interests. It seems to me, as people continue to think about things like the 'up-coming apocalypse', they also treat their relationships more and more like temporary situations. Even if there is no certainty that an apocalypse will seriously happen, as there is no certainty about what will literally occur in the future.


 There is an assumption that the interpretation of religious texts will lead to certain judgement and doom. However, i read this 'final chapter' of religious books as a warning to people. Since most of my knowledge happens to be correlated to the bible (i was a 'die-hard' christian for 20 years) i will allude to that particular religious text as far as the 'big ending' is concerned. The bible says that in the final days, god will come down to judge us all. The bible also says to not judge others, 'lest you be judged'. 'lest' means 'in fear of'. The bible also says 'fear is of death'. So, in my eyes, I think that to avoid apocalyptic damnation would be to not fear each other, to not judge one another and not say to one another for any certainty  that we are going to heaven or hell. How do we really know that is for certain going to happen? We have no way of really knowing, because it hasn't happened yet. But what we do know is that the religious text of at least christianity says to not judge eachother. It is not for us to do, it's for 'god' to do, all our job is  is to spread the 'good word'. Or just good words. Encourage one another to do good by themselves and by one another, so all this negative thinking, that will eventually rip us all apart, will stop. All the fighting, and wars, and hate will stop. If the bible is indeed the 'living word', than it is still alive to capture where we all are in this crazy world. And if the bible is true, than it would completely sync up to all the other things we know about the world, like science and evolution and sexuality and politics and everything. Now, i have no way of knowing for certain that there is a 'Great i am', but I interpret 'God' as when we all come together to not judge eachother, the Great Great appreciation we could have that we all are alive, right here, right now. at this very second. more to come though, hopefully.

#1- Journal Entries leading to my philosophical perspective

"Only the educated are free"- a fortune cookie that sits above my key board.

I'll first begin with a few journal entries I wrote 2 to 3 months prior to the start of this blog.

-- It is indescribable, really. But I’ll attempt it all the same- at least metaphorically. If there is a soul, an essence, a consciousness of self, that soul carries anchors like week old cadavers. In those personal moments of dropping dead weight, heavy pithy dead weight, the soul recognizes the consciousness of self, logical and emotional. Thus neither are supreme and both must be recognized on their own turf. I can’t write what I want. I cry. I cry. For me, emotion wins, everytime.

--“This is the natural death of love”- Wollstonecraft

Love evolves organically, but its end is always chemical. Life always turns out to be chemical, after all ('Finding Darwin's God', Miller). With a furry we motion into cool sweet love, like a bear trap tethered around the neck, the metal spines sink in, clamped under skin, and life’s a cactus needle, and burrows deep. Steps to remove a cactus needle: use the mechanism of man and rip it from the skin, or let it burrow til it comes out the other side. The motion between flesh and veins, the movement of love is a punch drunk anchor that will need sutures either way. Those sutures will come from a loved one, or it will come from the self.

-- What must be love? Love is a tired runner of times marathon. Love is the cyclical sweat, the dewy glisten of exhaustion. I’m sleepy with ruminations about love, and the lack thereof. Love without knowledge is pathological and deceptive. Marrying emotion and logic is dangerous, if unheeded. Wisdom is a curse. Ignorance is bliss, but not really.

-- It is born, it is rooted. It swallows the deep spring water of birth. It doesn’t know any better. How could it.

-- In the motion of a slinky down the steps, the combination of natural law and man-made motion equal a metaphor of time. Why am I slinking into Time again, or can I help it? The poetic conceits have remained consistent throughout my life. They are my lifelong baggage that I continue to sift through. What depths I have pondered, and philosophers still carry a lot of bunk. I find my readings inspiring and problematic, but it is just through my lens. It makes me feel swollen with aporia and frustrated with claims. Perhaps the truth is in the search, a lot more then the destination. Perhaps I should be glad I don’t know.

-- It took about a week of depression and alcoholism to figure it out. But in the time of feverish intensity I came to realize something about wisdom. 1. In dealing with reality and emotions, it is most important to call upon your wise friends 2. Alcohol is expensive and exhaustive 3. In the fervor of emotional distress, it is most important to call upon your inner resources for help, to remember the big picture and the lifelong goals and in that big picture, to figure out where the present situation fits. I had a great realization about the nature of desire and relationships last night. Desire and its motion is as temporary as sucking on candy; relationships require an ability to continue to find and keep the sweet parts of one another, and let that taste linger in one’s mouth. I am looking for cool sweet love, and I was getting close to sabotaging myself, and I stepped back, re-adjusted the lens, and saw the thistle in the side of my lifelong goals, and I picked that sucker out. Now I am changing the course of my desire, so it matches up with reality. I have a lot of emotional and logical desire, and I am also a bit wise. I almost acted against my nature, but I didn’t, I chose to act wise instead. I think I made the right call.

-- As of late, it seems that poetry is offering various perspectives within a single poem. I would like to write poetry that puts reality into a more objective perspective. And to follow the ted-talks speaker I watched about selling, where the first objective is to describe the reason behind needing to know this or that quality, than to show how this perspective encompasses that quality- and then apply that to a universal knowledge about perspective. I also think that people are very quick to cast judgments and assumptions, and that shit really pisses me off. People do not know me well enough to have the perspective I have to judge my actions. I’ve held an amazingly good and logical head on my shoulders through all this shit, and people are still questioning my actions and placing them in the frame of solely their perspective but not considering my own. Yes, I’ve had a lot of rejection lately (of course most people don’t know about it) but I don’t give a fuck about other people not wanting to really see me, or give me credit in my intelligence. I have learned a lot about myself and what I really really do want and need in a relationship through all this, and I am not willing to compromise on what I want AND need from a romantic relationship. I am almost thinking of past relationships as a kind of resume for the future- it’s not an accurate description of their potential, but it, at least, has shown the perspective and the direction they are in. And I want a relationship that also wants to learn, grow, and develop as I do, as a person. Also, a relationship that has room for equality- I want a unity and friendship, and I think it does not have to be a man I am with, but I at least want someone who understands a man and woman's perspective, in the sense of propelling and kindling a desire for one another. I want someone as equally as passionate as I am.

I have lots of people desiring me, none of which are in the ways I want to be desired.

-- In abandonment, one learns

to find unity within

the routines of

day to day

cigarette breaks

and five dollar cups

of coffee.

-- Silly faced or sincere, photos make emotional mockery, silly me, silly me, and stupid you. We are fucked before we knew each others’ misery, and then flood hand held sighs upon rubbed thighs and try to make it commiserated luxury of no certain end. We feed upon our pet Hedonist shtick and the black faces come out and spit, but when, and then, so what will happen, when…...

-- I am hyper depressed

-- There are so many different types and moments of silence. The silence of a good night’s sleep, the silence before the storm, the silence after an orgasm, the silence of being purposefully ignored. Lately I have had an abundance of the last form of silence, they fill my moments, they pour into time and space. I don’t really enjoy its company, but its persistence is cloaked over me, and carried around like a sick infant, demanding my attention and shocking my nerves. It’s a bother and a bore. Silence, sick silence, I would much rather ignore you, and not be ignored.

-- A Beautiful Destruction

The pools of halos are collected
on the rim of a glass of water.
Eleven o’clock brunch, alone.
The beginning of a break up is a beautiful
destruction, a chance of something new and
a loss of something
full of failure.
The caress of the fan cools
my skin, and calls upon memories
of lovers, all ruined by now.
I have had many beautiful destructions,
and I remain one.
In the moments of quiet reflection,
I am torn apart
by memories of desire,
and the budding silence
of solitude.
Flowering silence, your sweet smell
is cursed.